An honest look at depression: the struggle & healing.

My mind is clouded. Big weighty clouds that I can feel behind my eyes, resting inside my cheek bones. They sit, unmoved and no amount of caffeine can dissolve their weighty, foggy density. My mind awakens but the clouds remain.

There are ideas but they swim - eccentric, half-finished inside of me. Each has the potential for some kind of accomplishment or at least an attainment of some slightly valuable thing or other. But this requires their completion. And this is something my mind cannot do with its barrier of clouds.

I am drained by my own hopefulness and my inability to sustain it. I must choose one or the other between hope and despair but I cannot. Or I do choose hope, but somehow always end up occasionally leaving the door slightly ajar for anguish. On these occasions it will make its way in and drown me in tormenting bleakness. On these occasions I am reminded of the place I would be without my saviour.

I know that it’s okay that I am weak, unpredictable, unsteady without him. Really, I know in my head that he loves me regardless. That it is irrelevant because ‘greater is he that is in me’. But deep down I am hugely insecure about this. Because there is something within me that I feel doesn’t quite make the cut. I don’t know what invisible standards I am unconsciously measuring myself against, but they are imprinted now into the back of my head which is prone to constant calculations. There is a blur between character traits, physical appearance, upbringing, life choices. Bad hair on this chart can equal a lack of integrity and despite this distorted connection, my mind subconsciously acknowledges it as cast-iron truth. This does not come from God, and I know he is the only source of authentic, real truth. Despite this I struggle.

It nourishes me to sit and write about God; about his powerful, ferocious love and how he is the only passage to real, abundant, authentic living. I do believe this entirely and with conviction. I hadn’t seen the light side of life until I acknowledged him into mine, nor its rich, heartfelt beauty. He hasn’t just brought brightness but illumination, depth, vigour, intensity. I believed at first that this powerful charge of hope could diminish the fragile gravity of my mind. Some people suggest this.

I think it is time to instead let him into that space. It is not just my despair that sits there but my contemplative, wondering thoughts. It is tender and it is intricate but it is coated in a translucent hurt. By this I mean it is almost unnoticeable yet quietly dominant.

I invite him inside rather than merely rejecting this chamber of mine. Because there are distorted connections that only he can put right. Because they won’t go away without his touch. Because there is also devotion, passion, imagination, vision, peacefulness inside that delicate place. But mostly, compassion has found its home there. It was knitted in place in his likeness and cultivated here by both struggles and exultations.

And perhaps there is the reason for the pain. But maybe now is the time for him to come in and blow away that sore cobweb hold.

What is love?!

I’ve been thinking recently about love. I’ve been thinking about how ‘God is love’. It’s a hard concept to get your head around; for us it’s a human emotion, something we do or something we feel. But the idea that God’s whole identity is love… it’s just bazaar.

When we try to get our head around it we realise the implication of this is absolutely, life-critically immense. In 1 John 4 it says, ‘God is love, if you don’t know love then you don’t know God’. That’s a big statement. Without daily living out a life centred on love we don’t know God’s real character; we can’t claim to have an intimate relationship with him. Faith alone is not enough.

I’ve often listened to the verse ‘these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love’. I’ve quoted it, stuck it up on ‘post-it-notes’ around the house. But the focus of my attention was askew. ‘Faith, hope and love’- that sounds great together doesn’t it? It sounds idyllic. The thing is, these three concepts in equal measure aren’t what God has in mind; it’s not the winning ratio. ‘The greatest of these is love’.

He wants us to have faith in him, to trust in him, to hope for goodness and truth but much more than that - he wants us to be completely and utterly in love with him as he is with us. He wants us to know that since we were created out of his love for us, we can only live in full abundance if we’re living in an intimate, loving relationship with him. Since God is love then it is obvious that when he asks us to do something it is in our best interests. In loving him we are made new. Do you know how it feels to be ‘in love’? If not then think about all the greatest love poetry. God desires for us to feel that ecstatic bliss, that head-over-heels euphoria.

But more. Not just loving our perfect, all loving father, but people. And not just your best friend or your partner that adores you. Jesus calls us to love our enemies. Not even to just ‘bear with’ or ‘put up with’ our enemies, but actually to LOVE them. To take away the hate, pain and bitterness in our hearts towards those we find really difficult and replace it with kindness, generosity, selflessness and utter love towards that person.

Of course, this is hard, near impossible for us. We’re animals and our reactions are that of self-defence, self-preservation. It requires a rewiring of thinking. Corinthians 1:13 lists the qualities of real love. Love is self-sacrificing… without judgement… patient…kind. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be loved like that? To love someone like Jesus calls us to, we have to be without judgement. God ‘causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good’ and we’re asked to do the same. Living a life of love means seeing people as Jesus sees them. As their creator sees them, who loves them completely as they are, regardless of what they do or say. As their father who looks down on them and says, ‘you are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you’ does.

Now this command is not without point or meaning. It is not insignificant, inconsequential or feeble. Its result is colossal. It’s not the greatest command for nothing. The power in loving others is it brings complete healing -to us and to those we are extending love to. When you see this in practice it is immensely powerful. Real love in action is not some kind of wishy-washy, romantic mush. It’s overwhelming and utterly life-transforming. It makes sense really. If God is love, then a life centred on love is going to be full of intense, life-changing, freedom-giving fire. The effect of this is to repair, to restore. When our hearts are full of love, all the bitterness, hate, hurt and judgemental scorn that were once filling them will be cast-out. Redemption. Similarly on extending love to others we watch them heal. When Jesus calls hate-filled Zacchaeus down from the tree, offering him a hand of love, he is utterly transformed; redeemed; restored. When Jesus spots Matthew the money grabbing and selfish Tax Collector, giving him a place as one of his right-hand men, he repents – right there and then, leaving behind his greedy ways for a life lived in love.

Love believes and love hopes. Love transforms and love heals. I have learnt any desperation I have for control, love is messy and unpredictable. Love is an outstretched arm that doesn’t know what it will end up grasping at the other end. Love is happening upon a muddled, worn-out, confused, disordered human being, covered in dirt and yet only seeing the spotless beauty with which they were created. It is switching off any desire to scorn, judge or walk away from that person and instead hearing the resounding of the Father’s voice echoing in every pore of their being. It says, ‘You are My Child, with whom I am well pleased’.